“The Pressure to ‘Man Up’”: How Masculinity Messages Affect Boys’ Mental Health

How many times have we seen this happen? A young boy misses a game-tying goal during his Saturday soccer match. He feels a wave of disappointment wash over him. His chest tightens, his eyes well up. But before a single tear could fall, his coach shouts from the sidelines, “Come on, shake it off! Be a man!”

No one around him flinches. Not the other kids. Not the parents. Not even his parents.

So the boy doesn’t cry. He nods, clenches his jaw, and jogs away. But something inside him pulls back that day—just a little. And later, when he explodes on his younger brother over a trivial disagreement, his parents chalk it up to bad sportsmanship or a “bad mood.”

But it wasn’t either. He felt something that so many boys feel without anyone ever saying it directly: you’re not allowed to feel too much.

The Unspoken Rules of Boyhood

From the earliest years, many boys are taught—by adults, peers, media, and culture at large—that there are only a few emotions that are acceptable to express. Strength is one. Confidence is another. But tenderness? Sadness? Fear? Those are discouraged or outright shamed.

Even the most well-meaning adults can unknowingly reinforce this. When a toddler falls and cries, how often do we hear, “You’re okay! Don’t cry!” instead of “That looked like it hurt. Do you want a hug?” As boys get older, the language sharpens. “Don’t be a baby.” “Man up.” “Toughen up.”

These phrases are more than just harmless sayings. Over time, they shape how boys see themselves, and what they believe they’re allowed to feel. The result? A disconnect between emotion and expression. Many boys start to push feelings down so deeply that they stop recognizing them altogether.

What Happens When Feelings Go Underground

The cost of these unspoken rules often doesn’t show up immediately. But slowly, it reveals itself in subtle, and sometimes alarming, ways.

Boys may become more irritable, especially when they can’t explain what’s bothering them. They may withdraw from conversations, even with people they used to trust. Some become overly competitive or perfectionistic, trying to prove their worth through achievements instead of connection. Others lean into anger—because it’s one of the few “acceptable” emotions that still feels powerful.

And then there are those who begin to believe that something is wrong with them because they feel deeply. They may carry private shame about being too emotional, too sensitive, or too anxious—never realizing that these are normal, human reactions to stress, change, or disappointment.

When emotions are bottled up for too long, they find other ways to surface. Sometimes through conflict. Sometimes through avoidance. And sometimes through a profound sense of disconnection—from themselves, from their families, and from the world.

The Mask Boys Learn to Wear

By the time many boys reach adolescence, they’ve learned to wear a mask. It’s a version of themselves that looks calm, confident, maybe even indifferent on the outside—but inside, they may be struggling.

Some parents notice the shift and feel helpless. Their once-talkative son barely responds to questions. He spends more time alone. He stops asking for help. When they push, he shuts down. When they back off, he disappears into screens or distractions.

This is where support becomes critical—not just to help boys cope, but to help them unlearn harmful cultural messages that tell them their worth lies in how little they feel.

Giving Boys Permission to Feel

The good news is: it’s never too late to help boys reconnect with their emotional lives. But it takes intention, consistency, and patience.

Emotional openness has to start at home. When parents model what it looks like to feel sadness, frustration, or fear—and to talk about it without shame—it sends a message that emotions aren’t something to hide. It gives boys a new kind of permission.

Simple statements like “That was a really tough day for me,” or “I felt anxious before that meeting,” can be more powerful than you might expect. It shows your son that even adults experience big feelings and that it’s okay to name them.

Likewise, when your son expresses something vulnerable, how you respond matters. A comment like “You’re not a baby, don’t cry,” might shut the door. But a response like, “I can tell that really upset you. Do want to talk about it or take some space first?” opens it.

Over time, these small but powerful interactions create safety. And safety is the foundation of emotional resilience.

Redefining Strength for Our Sons

What if we began to redefine what it means to be strong? What if strength included the ability to speak honestly, to ask for help, to show care and compassion? What if we raised boys who didn’t have to choose between being masculine and being whole?

When we help boys understand that it’s brave to feel, that it's powerful to care, and that being emotionally aware isn’t a weakness but a superpower—we open up a new pathway for them. One that leads to healthier relationships, stronger self-esteem, and better mental health outcomes in the long term.

When to Seek Extra Support

Sometimes, even with the best support at home, boys continue to struggle. They may be overwhelmed by feelings they don’t know how to name, or burdened by expectations they can’t live up to. Therapy can be a game-changer.

If your son seems consistently angry, withdrawn, anxious, or disconnected—or if you just have a gut feeling that something is off—it’s okay to reach out. In therapy, boys are given space to unpack their emotions safely, without judgment. They learn language for their feelings, tools to manage stress, and strategies to navigate relationships more openly.

They also learn that there is nothing “wrong” with them for having big emotions. And that, perhaps for the first time, might be exactly what they need to hear.

The Bottom Line

The pressure to “man up” isn’t just a cultural cliché. It’s a quiet force that shapes how boys grow, connect, and feel about themselves. But we can push back against it. We can raise boys who know that real strength includes tenderness, self-awareness, and emotional courage.

If you’re raising a boy in today’s world, you don’t have to do it alone. And your son doesn’t have to either.

Need Support for Your Son?

At Dawn Therapy & Wellness Centre, we specialize in helping boys and young men grow into their full emotional selves—without shame, without pressure, and with the support they deserve. Connect with us today.

Whether your child is struggling with anger, anxiety, disconnection, or just seems like he’s shutting down—we’re here to help.

Let’s support your son in becoming exactly who he was always meant to be—whole, healthy, and emotionally strong.